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1 liners, anecdotes and thoughts...

The stuff below, is collected from a lot of sources on the web, thanks to them all.
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings
but shorter tempers, wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We
spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have
bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less
time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less
judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less
wellness. We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly,
laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late,
get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too
seldom. We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
 We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added
years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon
and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new
We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger
things, but not better things! We've cleaned up the air, but
polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice.
We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less.
We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to
hold more information, to ever produce more copies than ever, but we
communicate less and less.
These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and
small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are
the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken
homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway
morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do
everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill.
It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing
in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to
you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or
to just hit delete.
Remember; spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not
going to be around forever. Remember, say a kind word to someone who
looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up
and leave your side.
A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when
it comes from deep inside of you. Remember to hold hands and cherish
the moment for someday that person will not be there again. Give
time to love, give time to speak, and give time to share the
precious thoughts in your mind. Life is not measured by the number
of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space
Pain and suffering is inevitable but misery is optional.
Guys have feelings too. But like... who cares?
I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.
Next mood swing: six minutes.
And your point is?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.
Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
I'm multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
All stressed out and no one to choke.
I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.
Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.
Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen.
A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth?
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
A day without sunshine is like, uhhh...night.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Death is hereditary.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows!
Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.
Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
Get a new car for your spouse; it'll be a great trade!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
I used to have a handle on life, and then it broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Remember half the people you know are below average.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set
Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
We were born naked, wet and hungry. Then things got worse.
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
A hard-on does not count as personal growth.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
Do I look like a fricking people person?
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
See no evil, hear no evil, and date no evil.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
What ever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
I am doing my best to imagine you with a personality.
Okay, okay I take it back. Un-F**k you!
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
And which dwarf are you?
It's not the size that counts, it's the, umm, actually it is the size.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is
your head.
After you, my love, my only prize
Would be a bullet between my eyes
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
Every time I see your face
I wish I were in outer space
I saw your face as you walked by
but then I saw a better guy
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
Beauty is on the inside, but some may doubt,
If it's true, I'd prefer you inside out.
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime
I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"
..Grt ..
Guitar, for sale.......cheap...........no strings attached.
Sign in a bar : "Those ...drinking to forget........ please pay in advance."
Behind every great man, there is a surprised woman.
Smoking helps you lose weight .. one lung at a time!
When I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.
My Grandfather is eighty and still doesn't need glasses... He drinks straight out of the bottle.
You know the kids are growing up when your daughter begins to put on lipstick or your son starts to wipe it off.
I always leave an empty milk carton in the refrigerator just in case someone wants Black Coffee.
Getting caught is the mother of Invention.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, Snore and you sleep alone.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is the fact that it has never tried to contact us.
Seen on a bulletin board: Success is relative. More the success,more the relatives.
Sign at a barber's saloon in Juhu, Bombay: We need your heads to run our business.
A traffic slogan: Don't let your kids drive if they are not old enough or else they will never be.
Sign in a restaurant: All drinking water in this establishment has been personally passed by the manager.
Seen in railway station at Patna: Aana free, Jaana free, Pakde gaye to khana free.
Sign on a famous beauty parlor window: Don't whistle at the girl going out from here. She may be your Grandmother!!
Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
Man who run in front of car get tired.
Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.